Monday, August 31, 2009

What am I supposed to learn from this?

Wow it has been a very stressful day for me. I don't mean to sound selfish it has been a stressful day for many in my family today and my heart is hurting for them. I'm just not sure where to begin with all that is going through my head today. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I have a boulder sitting right in the middle. I feel at any moment I could "toss my cookies", I'm a little shaky as well.

So here's the story. I told you in my last post that Eric and I were going to Indiana for an interview. What I didn't tell you is that Thursday before we went I was in a small car accident. It was very minor and no one was hurt, just very inconvenient. I was actually on my way to get Erin from preschool. It was at a four way stop and of course there is a disagreement as to whose turn it was. Anyway long story short today is the day that I took my car to get it looked at by the other persons insurance. So far things have gone very easy and it seems even her insurance carrier agrees it was not my fault. I just got a little nervous that it wouldn't go well this morning, this is all new to me because my last car accident was when I was sixteen. I had to go by myself with my two kids, who by the way were extremely well behaved. Turns out it went very well I didn't have to answer any questions, he basically checked out my car and gave me the papers. We still have to wait for the police report and for them to finish the "investigation". (I'm not really fond of that word, it makes me feel a little like a criminal)

Back to the interview. Friday morning we had our interview and it went well....I think. I am always second guessing myself after the fact. I judge myself pretty harshly. I want this so badly for Eric and for myself and our family. After talking with the pastor we really felt like this is a family and community oriented church. It seems to be the perfect fit for us. Who knows the other six people were probably thinking the same thing. So after we left we were told Monday or Tuesday we should hear something. So here we are Monday at 4:11p.m. and still haven't heard anything. My mind is wandering and I know you won't be surprised by this but here are a few thoughts I have had today.
"we haven't heard because he doesn't want to disappoint us."
"They have probably already called the person they want and are just holding off on telling the rest of us."
"did we say something that would have completely changed his mind"
"We've been out of the ministry for a year....who's going to want us now."
So now if we don't hear anything by the end of today, I have to go through this another day.

On a side note: this is also Eric's birthday. I am feeling bad because we have had so much going on this last weekend that I haven't had time to plan anything. I realize that birthdays are not all about the presents but I am also feeling bad because I haven't gotten him anything either. He is always so good at making sure I feel celebrated and loved on my birthday. I want so badly to one year really surprise him and make him feel loved and supported. On top of that because we are down to one car the poor guy has to take the bus home from work. Now I don't mean to sound like I am complaining I am just explaining my feelings of "why God why?"

Now for my last and final concern for the day. My uncle is in the hospital today. He went in last night and has been in for the day. I know it has to do with his heart but that it was not a heart attack yet. I have not heard an update but I'm sure I would have heard if things had gotten worse. As far as I know it's good he went in and that they have caught this in it's early stages. I know that for any family it is hard to hear a loved one is in the hospital. I just know that even though we all don't see each other as often as we would all like, we are a very close family. It is hard because my grandpa died at such a young age and I know that this thought has probably crossed other minds today. We are all praying for you uncle Charlie and love you very much.

I am blessed to be a part of such a strong christian family that we can ban together and lift each other up in prayer. What touches me the most is that even in this unexpected occurrence with my uncle, I am still getting messages from aunts and cousins that they are praying for Eric and I as well.

So in all of this I am wondering what is the lesson today? What should I take from this all? I know that I will make it through this day, maybe even a little bit stronger than I was. I know that I am thankful for this day even in all the trials.

" Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,..." Psalm 105:1-5

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