I know that sounds very silly but here's what happened today. I was on the schedule to work the nursery today. I put on my comfy clothes, my jeans! I wanted to be free to crawl around on the floor with those precious kiddos. I was all ready to stay in the nursery until one of our precious moms came in looked at me and said "you go I'll stay" to which I ran to the door. Ok so I didn't really run to the door. I was actually a little caught off guard because my first instinct was "I'm not dressed to go into church". After this thought I began to realize how silly that was, but here is where that came from.
Here I am in this new role as a "pastors wife" trying to figure out what that means. I go back in my mind and think of all the pastors wives I know. My own from my home church as well as those Eric and I have met and worked with in his youth ministry years. They were all beautiful women. Always dressed just perfect, hair just right, make-up done just right and always had beautifully manicured nails. I realize that it's not about how you look or what you wear. God loves us as we are. I know this in my head but applying that to my daily routine is a little tough. I was a little embarrassed this morning to walk into church with jeans on. It"s as though I associate the way those woman looked with who they were spiritually. Nonsense right?
There are days when I feel like a tired ragged mommy and I like to look good. I like to dress nice, I like my hair to look just right and I love to have beautifully manicured nails. It makes me feel better I feel like people will see me and respect me because of how I look. When Eric was in youth ministry I felt a little more protected from people. While I was being watched by my teenage girls I wasn't quite in the spotlight that I feel I'm in now. Don't get me wrong I feel blessed that God has chosen me to be in this position. I just feel very inadequate to be here. So this morning when I walked into church with my jeans on and my sleeveless shirt, with my hair looking less than perfect because it was hot humid and getting four kids in the van and out of the van creates a little sweat I felt gross, a little bit like a let down to my congregation. I am constantly wrestling in my head with who God wants me to be. What kind of wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, and now pastors wife or "first lady" (which still makes me giggle a little bit). I have a lot of roles these days and I don't want to fail at any of them, I don't want to let anyone down.
Here's what I do know:
Not one person said or looked at me funny for wearing jeans in church. This morning was a wonderful spirit filled service full of people who love the Lord. I am a part of a church that loves me, my kids and is 100% behind my husband. My husband is my biggest fan and is happy I am with him on this crazy journey. Most of all, I know that my God does not care that I wore jeans in church this morning.
"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." Psalms 139:14