These are in no particular order:
1. Do not be surprised when things come out of your mouth that you never thought would.
"It is not ok to wipe poop on your shirt"
"We do not put our fingers up each others noses"
"If you are not getting changed, bathed, or just got out of the bath you need clothes on"
"We do not bite the dog"
"It is not ok to put on your brothers underwear from the bathroom floor" (said to the 3yr old.)
This is one that is frequently used. Anytime we watch a movie in our house the kids all want to play the characters from the movie. After constant arguing over who is going to be which character this is what comes out of my mouth.
"IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO YOU ARE!! THEY ARE ALL FAKE CHARACTERS AND IT'S A MADE UP STORY." (yes that's me, the crusher of little children's dreams)
2. When using your youngest as a little added resistance while working out, you will no longer be able to walk the next day.
Recently, I thought it would be fun to use my youngest son while I was working out. I did some bench presses and some leg lifts. He loved it. I then, with the help of a friend (Michelle) came up with the idea to try squats and lunges while having him draped over my neck like a dead animal. (He was not harmed and actually enjoyed it so much that while I was wollering in pain he wanted to continue the routine) I am currently still trying to recover from that little episode.
3. While taking video of your child in a moving car make sure he's actually secure in his seat.
I have such sweet friends and family that they stayed silent about the fact that two of the four kids were not safely secured in their seats. I only realized this after I watched it a few times and now I have given my children evidence against me.
4. Be careful when speaking to a 3 year old, we must be very literal.
This was a conversation with my oldest when she was 3.
E: mom, can I have some more cheerios
Me: No, I think one bowl is plenty
E: I didn't ask for another bowl, I asked for more cheerios
Yes you win sweet one, next time I was more careful.
5. Always be prepared for the meltdown of the year to occur when there is a large viewing Audience.
I'm pretty sure that my kids watch and wait for the perfect time to throw a fit. As we were leaving a restaurant that had too long of a wait, and balloons (important to the story) one child decided he needed a balloon and was not leaving until he got one. So kicking and screaming we left the building out into a dark alley where we had parked. In that moment thoughts were "DANGER DARK ALLEY, GET TO CAR FAST". Of course, we were in the church van, name plastered right on the side announcing who we were and where we were from. As I'm dragging this child and talking with an elevated voice that he needed to hush and just get in the van, we were approached by a young woman. She proceeded to scold me for how I was treating my child, that "as a fellow Nazarene" (thank you church van) she was disturbed by my actions. Worst moment ever!! I think my advice here is for all of you on lookers unless you've been there please be quiet. I say that in the most loving way, but seriously just be silent it's embarrassing enough.
6. Spaghetti is always messy
Even at 8 years old they apparently can still get spaghetti sauce on their foreheads. It's a mystery to me but it's always good to have some wet wipes handy after that meal.
7. If they like a food one day it's likely the next time you have it they will not like it
We have wasted many foods, thinking we had finally found the one thing he'll eat. Ugh...it's never ending.
8. When children are little be sure to enunciate.
This one is a biggie or you'll have this happen:
My second born at the age of 4 sneezed this is the conversation:
Me: Bless you buddy
A: Mom, it's ble-shoe (yes you read that right)
Me: uh, what?
A: It's ble-shoe when someone sneezes, and bless you when you're talking about God
Me: Oh....(hand slap to forehead)
9. Prepare yourself for the amount of bodily functions you will have to deal with
Babies are so sweet and snugly and then you change that first poopy diaper, it's all down hill from there. Your days of clean hands, shirts, pants, all gone!! I have been a mom for 8 1/2 years and I am anxiously awaiting the day when I will no longer have to wipe, change, mop, wash, and pick up all the gross things that can come out of a persons body.
10. Most of all love every stage, moment, second of your time with them.
The best part of reality shows is that someone is constantly following a person recording every minute. I wish I had that, not for everyone to see but so that I can capture every moment with my kids. The time goes by too quickly and they grow and change too fast. I want to remember every silly word they said wrong, every confusing conversation, even every battle we've had because it's those teaching moments that are so important. I love that I get to be their mom!
Don't blink because this is what happens: