Monday, January 25, 2016

I am not a messenger (real feelings from an imperfect pastors wife)

I'm not sure how to begin. I have lots of thoughts running through my head and I struggle to get them down on paper and have them actually make sense. There is something that has bothered me for awhile now. I want to be better at this but I have come to the realization I'm just not going to be and that's ok. So here it is the raw honest truth.

I AM NOT A MESSENGER!

I don't mean this to sound ugly or to put myself in some sort of higher, demanding respect sort of position. It's just that, I am the pastors wife, I'm not his secretary, or his keeper. I don't keep his schedule with me at all times and to be honest 90% of the time I have no idea even what's on the church calendar.

I love my church family, all of my church family past, present and future. I have had a good 13 years on this side of pastors wife territory. Ten of these precious years were in youth ministry, but the same thought applies. It has just taken me this long to discover that I will never be a good messenger for my husband and well mostly because I don't want to be.

I have had many over the years come at me with a lot of words:
"Can you put me on the prayer list I have_________" (fill in the blank)
"Tell pastor that I can/can't ______"
"What time are we supposed to be?"
"When is the ______"
"I've got so much going on ( continues to rattle off about 15 things that is consuming their life and I'm supposed to remember and pass along every detail correctly)"
"Tell pastor I will help with_____"

You see I love you church,I love that you want to confide in me, that you trust to share your prayer requests with me, that you trust that my communication with my husband is at 100% all the time and that I will pass those messages along, but you see if he is not within my eyeline at the very moment you speak, the chance of the message getting to him in a timely manner is pretty slim.
 Here is why:
I have kids, 5 under the age of 10. They pretty much occupy most of my time. It won't always be that way but I fear that the damage has already been done to my brain cells. Listen, the pregnancy brain never left me and continued to get worse every pregnancy. I have trouble texting complete sentences, no joke this is a text I sent to my poor husband yesterday:

Me: Are jack and Jill ( names are changed to protect the innocent)

Bless this man because he has had many years of crazy under his belt was able to decipher my cryptic message and answered with

"Haven't heard"

You see this is the brain you are intrusting with your precious messages! It's not safe! Truthfully, I'm not sure I would make a good secretary/messenger for anyone right now. My messages may look something like:
                                  Someone called, they needed something from you, you should probably call              them yourself because I can't remember what they said.

All joking aside, back to my kids most of the time if you approach me at church with some request I
will listen, just know that at the same time I am either counting heads to make sure everyone is here,
searching the parking lot to check if my child is about to be run over or trying to get to the nursery in time to relieve the poor soul that had nursery duty that day.

Here is what I ask instead.
Please continue to come to me and ask me to pray. I promise you if you ask me to pray for you I will. I love you I care for you, I want to pray for you. I want you to share with me your needs and requests.
Just today I had a beautiful conversation with a friend sharing concerns and requests, it was a texting conversation but still just as sweet. I didn't feel overwhelmed with requests and burdens. This is what I want to be, I want to be the pastors wife, a trustworthy prayer warrior for you. I don't want to be the messenger anymore.
If you have a need that you want heard by the pastor tell him, email him, call him. If you want to volunteer for an area, PLEASE TELL HIM, he's dying for people to come to him! If you want to know the times and schedules of events ask the person in charge of that event. I am a terrible messenger.

This is my prayer as a pastors wife, this is what I want to be for you church:
"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:6

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